Why is it so
difficult to communicate with the most important person in your life?
Sometimes I wonder is it just me or do more people face this
problem? Then I speak to some friends and realise I have company; there are
others who act like me. Then I read some books and realise there is a whole
world out there that behaves like me.
I am a recent entrant into the exciting world of training
and for me it is also a process of self -discovery. After all when you teach about
stress management, effective participation in meetings or communication styles,
one must first introspect and analyse one’s own style of behaviour.
Yesterday I was observing a session on assertive
communication. In my professional life I tend to be assertive, I ask for what I
want and at the same time listen to the other persons’ point of view and try
and negotiate a result that is agreeable to both of us.
In my personal life,
or more accurately with my husband, my style tends to be more passive
aggressive. We have a two and a half year old daughter and in order to ensure she
gets that much needed attention and time I chose to quit my full time job and
work part–time instead. The decision was completely mine, my husband was not
for it because of the financial implications which would follow, but he
supported me in my decision.
Working part-time has its ups and downs. On the up side I
get more time to spend with my daughter and the work-stress is much lesser but the
down side is the financial security or lack of it and the expectation to manage
all the domestic chores single-handedly now that your work schedule is more
relaxed. So every time I feel overwhelmed about managing work and home or the
drudge of domesticity gets to me, I tend to attack my husband and my sentences usually
go like this:
You never help me around the house.
When was the last time you made ME a cup of tea?
Fine, do whatever you want.
The problem is you don’t appreciate what I do.
A tad melodramatic? Agreed.
Does this also sound familiar?
So as I was observing my class on Assertive Communication
and that slide with examples of passive aggression communication style popped
up on the screen yesterday; it was a revelation to me. I know it won’t be
possible to change overnight but with the awareness also comes the ability to
change. So next I am going to try and be
more assertive
I know that you are really tired after your work day but
could you please help me clear the table, I have had a long day too.
You really make lovely coffee and right now I would love to
have a cup you make
Can we discuss this, instead of deciding right now?
I really appreciate all that you do for me and our daughter
but we hardly get to see you because you are so busy at work; so could we
please spend the whole day together doing something fun next Sunday?
It’s not going to be easy and my husband might blink a few
times when I make such statements, but if I am able to keep up the good
behaviour he will get used to it and it will lead to a more harmonious
relationship.
